The Professor's New Toy Ch. 01
Keywords: Toy, New, The, Ch., Professor's, 01,
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I've tried to think about it, but I just keep getting twisted around. Can you tell me what you believe?"
"Kelly, like you I've given faith a lot of thought. First, I'd like to clear up two misconceptions about being a gay. In this church it's taught that being homosexual is about who you have sex with. It's not really about sex. It's about who you fall in love with. The sex part follows after that. The second thing is that it's not a choice that people make. I didn't choose to be this way. It's how I am. I like who I am, but it's not something I chose. I don't believe that God made me love this way as a temptation for me to overcome."
"What it really comes down to is whether you believe the Bible is the unerring word of God, without any bias or editorializing by the people who wrote it down or translated it. If you search on the net, you'll find a lot of opinions on the subject. Just search for the phrase clobber verses, you'll find tons of information.."
"But I'm sure you've heard Daniel's sermons on this. Why are you still here? Aren't there other churches you'd be more comfortable in?"
"Well, my folks pleaded with me to try it out for 3 months and I said I would. Emily is so happy here that I'm really OK. Since I'm not in a physical relationship with anyone at the moment, I don't have to hide who I am."
That evening, I started my research on the clobber verses. As Morgan had said, there was a wealth of information out there. I had to admit, a lot of the things that I read made a lot of sense to me. I knew that I had never felt comfortable about what others had said were condemnations, and the things I read helped me understand why.
While reading some of the testimonies of women who said they were both Christian and lesbian, I started thinking about my marriage with Daniel. Looking at it in the cold light of day, it seemed to me that my real attraction had been the idea of being involved in his ministry. It was also pretty plain that Daniel had never loved me. He only ever made the most perfunctory efforts to meet my emotional needs. Our sex life was a joke. Before finding out about his infertility, we were only fooling around once a month. After the fertility problem came out, things dropped off even more. We hadn't had sex in over 3 months. Part of me really didn't miss it. I'd read enough in marriage counseling manuals to realize that it was supposed to be way better than it was. Even in this he did the minimal.
No, I was a required accessory to advance Daniel's ministry career. I'm sure it had been said not too subtly that he would not be considered for a position as Senior Pastor until he was married. He had solved the problem in his typically practical fashion by courting and marrying an unsophisticated young woman. I was no more to him than an umbrella or a tie.
As I had these revelations, my tears started to flow. They came silently at first, and then more desperately until my whole body was wracked with great sobs that went on for hours. Finally, when I had exhausted myself, I called my mother.
"Hi momma!" My attempted cheerfulness must have been obvious but she ignored it.
"Well hello dear! What a surprise to hear from you? How are things going?"
After talking about things for a while, I dropped what I thought was the bomb.
"Momma, I'm thinking of divorcing Daniel."
"Well, that's the best news I've heard all week." she chuckled.
"Momma!"
"OK, ok, Kelly, I'm sure this is very difficult for you, so I'll be serious. The truth is that I never liked Daniel, and I don't think he ever treated you a tenth as good as you deserved. I never told you what I thought when you married him, because I didn't think it would help matters."
"I'm sure that a divorce is going to be very difficult for you and I want you to know that no matter what, you're my little girl and I love you."
"Oh, thank you momma. It means so much to me to hear you say that."
We chatted on for a while, when on an impulse I asked:
"Incidentally, how's Taylor doing?" Taylor was my second cousin. She'd caused quite a stir when she announced that she was gay.
"Oh, she and her girlfriend were up two weeks ago for a family reunion. Her girlfriend seems very nice. Some of the family muttered about it, but honestly, if anyone thinks this family won't mutter about something they're crazy. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know. She just crossed my mind I guess. Well, I know its late momma. Thanks for listening."
"Any time dear. And remember, there are always other alternatives to divorce."
"Yes momma. I'll remember that. Good night momma."
"Good night dear".
That night the dreams intensified.
I was preparing for bed. I'd already brushed my teeth and I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my hair. I was wearing a stunning lace babydoll and a pair of matching panties. My hair was shining beautifully, and my face had an easy contented look on it. A look of contentment mingled with anticipation. From behind me, Morgan stepped up and embraced me, cupping my breasts in her hands, and kissing my neck. She was wearing only a pair of panties, and I could feel the warmth of her breasts pressed into my back. I smiled at the reflection in the mirror, thinking how wonderful life was. Then, I turned to face her, pulling her against me. I was hungrily kissing her, longing to devour her, and be devoured by her.
I spent the rest of the week anxiously awaiting my next meeting with Morgan. I had my hair done, and bought a new dress. I could tell from the admiring stares of the male customers that I looked attractive. Well, I guess the word really wasn't attractive but hot. I looked REALLY hot. I spent the time beforehand trying to think of ways to get my courage up. I was so nervous. When I met Morgan, she hugged me closely and gave a low whistle.
"Wow, you look delicious. Do you have another funeral?"
"No, silly, I just thought I'd dress up."
We talked along, and I told her of my decision.
"I've decided I'm going to divorce Daniel. I'm going to tell him after Easter." Easter was 5 weeks away. Easter and Christmas are the two most hectic times of year at church, and I didn't want to make things worse by announcing the divorce right beforehand.
We talked about how things were going to blow up and I gave her my mother's reaction.
Finally, I forced myself to bring up what I really wanted to talk about. I could feel my stomach doing flip-flops. My mouth felt dry, and the coffee just couldn't make it wetter. Hesitantly, I started out:
"When we you first told me you were a lesbian, you said that you weren't involved in a physical relationship then. What did you mean?"
"Well, I'm involved in an emotional relationship with someone. I'm afraid I'm totally head over heels in love with her but I don't know if she feels the same way. I've avoided bring it up because I'm not sure my heart could take it if she didn't feel the same way."
As she said this, she looked directly at me. I could see the nervous anticipation behind her eyes as she was looking for some hint, some sign. I hoped against hope that she was talking about me.
"I love you." I whispered.
"Oh, I love you too." she said.
Suddenly, we were two weeping women hugging each other. We must have caused quite a commotion since about half the people in the coffee shop were looking at us and the barista almost steamed the meat off his thumb.
"Come on," I said, "let's take a walk down to the park There are so many things I want to tell you."
As we walked arm in arm to the park, I told her how much she'd been in my thoughts since our first meeting, and how precious she had become to me.
"Morgan, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want your lips to be the last thing I feel before I fall asleep at night, and your face to be the first thing I see every morning. I want to spend every day with you. I know that with you by me, life will be terrific. I want you and me to grow old together, to love together. I want to be in your arms and have your warm breath on my face be the last thing I feel before I die."
"Of course we will." she smiled. "How soon would you like to move in?"
Her question brought me back to reality. A small lump formed in the back of my throat.
"I can't until the divorce is final. Please, Morgan, I need to feel your lips against mine right now. I want to make love to you right here on this table, in the middle of this park. I love you so much. Please understand that I can't do this until I'm divorced from Daniel."
"I understand. As difficult as it will be, I think you're making the right decision."
That evening I called my mother.
"Hi momma!"
"Well, you're sounding chipper this evening. What's going on?"
"Momma, I've decided to divorce Daniel. I'm going to tell him after Easter."
"Well, I'm not sure congratulations are in order, but I'm glad you've come to a decision and you seem to be OK.
"Oh, momma I am. I'm going to be so happy, I just know it!"
"It sounds like you've already found a replacement."
"No, momma, the last thing in the world I'd want to do is replace Daniel."
*Chapter 5*
The next 5 weeks flew by in a daze. Morgan and I still met each other, but our conversations had changed to our deepest hopes and dreams. The joys we would share with each other. In between things, I signed a 3 month lease on an apartment, and started setting up bank accounts and credit cards in my name. At last, Easter passed and I broke the news to Daniel.
"Daniel, I've been giving a lot of thought to your ministry. It's clear to me that your ministry is the most important thing in your life."
"Yes, I suppose you are right. My ministry means everything to me."
"I'm glad you can admit that. It's clear to me that your family responsibilities are impeding your ministry. It's also clear to me that you don't love me. I suspect the real reason you married me was because Senior Pastors have to be married."
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Keywords: Toy, New, The, Ch., Professor's, 01,